The Back Porch

So I’m sitting here in a café in Seattle (to keep this cliché from going any further, no, it isn’t raining), and I’m thinking to myself that I haven’t written much for the Back Porch lately.

So I find myself thinking back through the past few months to figure out what has changed or developed or become interesting. And the unfortunate conclusion that I’ve drawn is that my life has essentially reverted to where I was 3 years ago.

I’m hopelessly confused. I don’t really know where my life is going, or for that matter, where I’ve come from. There were a lot of issues, like my long-term memory lasting no more than 2 years, that I thought would be worked out by settling down, as it were. I thought dating, and then after that, being engaged would change that. It didn’t. I still forget, and even now I’m forgetting the beginnings of the relationship that I thought would fix it.

So I don’t know where I’m going either. Honestly, I’m sitting in a café in Seattle, listening to Brand New on some classic headphones on my mac, hanging with two friends, and this seems pretty nice to me. There’s a job market out here. There’s an art scene. There is the cultural context that a city can provide that Winona cannot.

I still struggle with the concept of home. What is it, and how do I find it? How do I make it? Can either of those be done electively? I’m not really sure on the answer, but I can comfortably say that it’s easier to make a home in some places than others.

I still struggle wtih Faith, too. There’s a delicate balance between stepping out in faith and hearing to see what God says first. There’s no formula for it. There’s no list of steps you can take to guarantee that you never stray from God’s will. I earnestly believe that you can pray for months, think you figured out where God wants you, and with the best intentions seek it out, only to find that you were wrong all along.

I feel comfortable saying that because that has been my experience.

Job had everything taken from him for, from a wordly perspective, no reason. He lost his family, his health, his livlihood, and his wealth. All of it.

Job continued to praise God, but wasn’t without his share of questions. He cried out to God, asking what ill he had done to bring this punishment upon himself and his family. He received no answers. His friends then met him and tried to convince him to do something differently or better. Primarily they argued that he must have sinned in some way to bring this torment.

But Job hadn’t, and told them so. But still asked God why this was all happening.

Ultimately what it came down to was that God was involved in a duel, of sorts, with Satan. It effected Job, but didn’t show him how. He continued to seek God in spite of being given no direction or reassurance. He simply kept on truckin’.

And in that he glorified God. Without even knowing it.

I sometimes feel like I’m in an equivalent situation. I keep trying and trying and trying, and it still seems like God isn’t with me. People say, “You should pray more to hear God.” So I do it, and I feel like I come to this radical new realization (or not), and then step out in faith on it, and fall on my face.

So right now I’m stumbling through life without really knowing where to go, if I ought to go anywhere. But I stand assured that so long as I try to follow God, even if my efforts fail, he is glorified.